I am Not . . . . .

Dear diary, today is raining again like my make a wish. I said yesterday, "I wish tomorrow will be raining all day" but it happened and I feel so happy about that. This sky is like know what I feel this time. Feeling blue. I am feeling blue already a few days. My feeling is something I don't know what happened with my self. I look like other people, it is not like what I feel, I don't know inside my heart I get hurt but the reason I don't know.

 Dear diary what is meaning mature? Am I still immature? Can you tell me what is this mean? Because I don't know. Someone told me I am still immature and I am not behave like the woman in my age. Is true? Do I pretended like that or that is real me? Can you give me the answer diary? I don't know what is became adult with my age.

If like someone will get hurt, better I really keep my feeling maybe. Why I always get pain before the journey started. Why should I feel broken before I know what that is mean love. If love just make pain, why I should keep search love. Dear diary, I do try to make my heart frozen but why it can be easy to melt with someone I don't know well. I think my journey for searching someone will end but that is just never get better level. Dear diary, why this tears never stop. Suddenly this tears fall down without I can realize it. In my heart is so damn pain, it is like the only wing I have get broken and make me fall down to deep level.

Dear diary, what is character or type of man I like? Do I have it or I just have it but I won't care about it. I just care about what I am feeling and what someone do different think and make me think, this someone already know me little bit well then myself. But I got wrong. It is like someone slap my cheek to make me realize to wake up from a dream. Some friends, the real one, I meet them for new friends told me I am attractive but I don't think like that.

Dear diary, can I be liar with myself and my feeling? But I can't because the pain will be exist for that. Just give me advice to key my heart and remove my dreams about something I really want. Sometimes I am tired and I want to hide from this feeling. If broken heart so pain, then why I want to know this feeling again. Dear diary, is it wrong to have a dream someone will set me free from the pressure from my parents.

Dear diary, do you think I am not deserve to get someone who really understand me, ah soundtrack from Master Sun series movie in korea language I really love it, but in English the lyric is like this:

Are you listening to my heart?
Are you looking at my tears?
Only one in the world, just one
I need it to be you

Why do you keep running away from me?
Why do you keep getting far from me?
Stay by my side, hold my hand
If you love me

You drive me crazy
You make me cry
You’re close as if I can catch you
But when I do, you get far away like the wind


Love is what I do alone
Love only leaves tears
A crappy, foolish love
Can I hug you just once?
Can I say my last goodbye?

Don’t forget the loving memories, the happy memories
You drive me crazy
You make me cry
You’re close as if I can catch you

But when I do, you get far away like the wind
Love is what I do alone
Love only leaves tears
A crappy, foolish love

Some day, when we meet again
Let’s not say goodbye
Words that my heart say, I love you
Words that my tears say, I’m sorry

No matter how much I pick them up and put them in
Words spill out
Love is what I do alone
Love only leaves tears
A crappy, foolish love


Sometimes fall in love is like something burning inside my heart, that is more pain when broken heart. So dear diary, can you tell me what should I do with this feeling, after Redly gone and I do try to keep strong and said to myself no more fall in love. but I always fall down in same hole over and over. My heart is so pain. But this will be the last time. I won't feel this feeling anymore. I will be stand strong although I should make my parents broken heart because this. I just say I am sorry then disappear forever. That is impossible. Dear diary, I know this is just little level I should pass and move one again. Let's make my day smile and now I am writing for Yogyakarta and I just wait my sponsor will say that is good one. Because some friends want to buy maybe I don't know hahahaha, I just want to try the best as I can do. Because my desire is finish this book, make children story and little experience journey alone in Indonesia language with different style. Ah also, find good jobs. Today I do sent many resumes and cross fingers I will find on February. Dublin I will visit you one day, I promise; today, this time let me finish this dream first. Then I will explore you, the wonderful country I want to step my feet there and yell "Ah, See, you are so wonderful and I also want to look castle and get, collect many imaginations for my other dreams to make fairy tale.